Today is Father’s Day, and I lost my daughter to cancer a little over two months ago. I have no idea how to deal with this. It’s been one big guessing game cloaked in a pall of pain. To complicate matters, I’ve released a book designed to help young people, but its modest success floats in the wake of not being able to help heal my own daughter. So my roles as teacher and father continue to merge and confound me as I aim to help but often fall short.
What follows is simply a father’s attempt to help. It’s a piece I found that I’d written to my daughter, Hannah, a couple of years ago when a relationship with a boy went south. It’s my attempt on one particular day to help my daughter heal and grow, and the teacher in me hopes there’s a nugget in there somewhere that can help other young people down the road.
(From the sound of it, I had apparently wanted to sit and chat, but she wasn’t ready for that, so she asked me to write it down…. So, I did.)
Happy Father’s (Hannah’s) Day!
Advice from Dad…
Hi Hannah-
You wanted me to write this down, but for expedience, I’m going to type…..
First, I love you very much, and I’m very proud of you in the way you conduct yourself at school and in your relationships with friends. I know you’re not going to be perfect, but I can tell that you try to be respectful of others’ feelings, and that will serve you well in life. At the same time, I think you have become strong enough that you are not ‘a doormat’, allowing people to walk all over you whenever they please. That should also serve you well. Being tough enough to withstand the bad behavior of others while maintaining your own moral compass and dignity is a wonderful personality trait to nurture, and I can tell you’re working hard and doing a good job of it.
When it comes to relationships in the teen years, I think it’s important to recognize that you’re all going through tumultuous times with body changes, emotions, trying to fit in at school as well as social settings, and trying to find your way in the world. These are difficult waters to navigate, and I think you’ve done a wonderful job of it so far. Again, I’m sure you’re not perfect, but give yourself a break and recognize that, as long as your heart is in the right place, you’ll end up in a good place.
On the specific occasion of ‘the boyfriend break-up’ I wanted to share some thoughts. I hope they’ll offer some help, but you can take ‘em or leave ‘em. Here goes….
- Relationships are grounded in trust, but teen relationships can be so tenuous (look it up) and laden (look it up) with emotions that little missteps can result in significant reactions. To complicate matters, most teens are highly social and communicative, and one person’s business becomes everyone’s business almost instantaneously. And, often, teen friends want to appear to have your best interest at heart, when they often just like to create drama (as long as it’s not THEIR drama). This can make it very hard to make decisions and to know how to behave. I think the best plan is to always be grounded in your own moral compass of respect for others without compromising respect for yourself and your own goals and dreams. In your current situation, I’m guessing it was hard to have your relationship with XXXXXX become everybody’s business and to have everyone chiming in with their thoughts on the matter. In the end, take some quiet time to reflect on what you think is best, speak to XXXXXX about it, and then move on. You can listen to others and respect their advice and input (my own included), but in the end, you must make these decisions for yourself. Remember, your family is ALWAYS here for you to help or listen if you need us.
- As an aside, I think FACEBOOK is one of the worst places to ‘deal with’ these issues. Private relationships should be dealt with privately, and it’s best to do so in person, face to face. If people want to chat about ‘the drama’ online, it’s a good idea to simply post “We’re working through this on our own. I appreciate your thoughts, and I’ll let you know how things go.” This way, you can deal with the situation, give it time to work itself out, and not burn any bridges or say anything online that you can’t take back. You can’t ‘un-ring a bell’ or put ‘toothpaste back into the tube’, as they say, and once you say something online, it’s out there forever.
- I’ve watched a lot of high schoolers try to navigate these relationship waters, and I tend to think that less drama and cooler heads make for happier people. I think it’s best to listen to everyone’s advice, then find your quiet place to think things through, and do what you think is right in the end. While it’s easiest to live in a world of black and white, where rules and penalties are clear cut and easily meted out (look it up), I’ve come to realize that the teen years (and much of adult life, too) are in a world of GREY. So, it’s a bit harder to say what’s right and wrong and what the repercussions should be. Again, this is why we must try to develop and inform our own moral compass as a guide. Teenagers make lots of mistakes, and when they become adults, most would hate to be judged on the mistakes they’ve made in their teen years. So, oftentimes I find that teens would be best served with an old adage to live by: “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” This reminds us that teens are going to make their share of mistakes because they’re all trying to navigate such difficult waters, so maybe an air of forgiveness would help. If someone messes up, and it hurts you, it might be okay to recognize it as a teenager messing up, and find a way to talk through the issues and forgive, with the understanding that a ‘second chance’ is a blessing, and future behavior can change. If, however, the same mistake is repeated, then the ‘fool’ is the person who allows him or herself to be the victim of harmful behavior again and again, and new consequences should come into play. So, maybe a good, private discussion would be in order with XXXXXX, so that you can both decide how you can move forward, as friends or otherwise.
- Because you are a teen, trying to find your way, you are going to make mistakes, too. My best advice is to ‘own’ them, acknowledge them, apologize for them, and learn from them to make yourself a better person. This is the best way to get to a place in life where you can follow the next bit of advice I typically offer my students about how to live their lives:
“FOLLOW YOUR BLISS. HARM NO ONE. DO GOOD.”
In order to do this, you must find your own happiness, but not at the expense of others, and you must try to leave the world a bit better than how you found it. You see, you can go through life doing no harm, but you may not ACTIVELY seek to do good either. I think it’s better to tackle both and, at the same time, not lose sight of finding your own bliss, that special thing that makes you happy.
So, PLEASE try everything. Take a taste of what life has to offer, from school to sports to books to charities to music to love to travel to adventure upon adventure (and, of course, singing in the shower)!!! By trying lots of stuff, you’ll begin to find a path that leads to your own happiness. Then, you can go about the business of leaving the world in better shape.
I think you’re off to a REALLY good start!!!!